Visiting SF
I arrived yesterday morning after an uneventful trip from Houston to San Francisco. Maybe it's my extreme sensitivity, but the change is palpable. Although I connected with some great people in my area in regards to animal rights and activism, which is surprisingly huge for me, I still live in a place where the vast majority of people have polar opposite beliefs. Hopping...ok not hopping..the airline managed to dislocate one of my wheels, causing my suitcase to list to one side, and it sincerely felt that I was dragging a dead body through the airport, BART (bay area rapid transit) and the streets o' San Francisco. That aside lugging my dead body onto the train, I felt that inexplicable sense of relief, hard to explain really. When I am at home (not necessarily around my sons and husband) but around or on the phone with anyone, I have a tension that is everpresent. When it starts to ease, when I begin to relax something always comes along to renew the depth and intensity of that tension. From seeing "Delay" and "W" bumper stickers to overhearing "biased liberal media" and "aiding the enemy" to conversations with perfectly nice but oblivious people. Racism bothers me to such a point that even minor infractions - if that really is possible - cause tightening in my shoulders and neck. Putting on dialects, buying into stereotypes, passing derogatory comments...I don't know, it puts a truly bitter taste in my mouth. I find it funny that these same people get so offended when racism is thrust back at them. When an African American says something not so complimentary, suddenly, it's big up in arms indignation, and the "and they call me racist!" responses are bilged out like an RV sewage pump.
But I am here. I feel the acute effort in the air to NOT be judgemental. To be tolerant. I see love around me - maybe because I am looking for it. Maybe because I look at San Francisco as a city that we could all be. Even though there is still racism (it is still in the US after all) and of course improvements can always be made, it is a city that is trying. It doesn't appear to be a city that thinks it has arrived. It seems to always surprise me how brutally honest and aware people are here about how much better it could be. I so dig that. I talk to people in my area and I am struck by this "We have worked hard to get here. We have morals. We have values. I will not tolerate thugs being transferred into our area bringing with them gangs, drugs and who knows what else." My problem with that is the essense of superiority it connotes. Somehow you have had the opportunity to better your position in life and you...what? Feel it is reserved for you? Others can't have any because...why? They aren't worthy? They haven't worked as hard as you? They don't have the same social graces or have the same educational background as you?

I am reading a fantastic book "Confessions of an Economic Hitman" by John Perkins. My suggestion to everyone is not only read this book but get a list of all your family, friends, and acquaintances that a) watch FoxNews, b) listen to AM talk radio, c) are Republican or d) believe America is the be all end all country in the world and send them all a copy with your love. The paperback version, I think, is coming out in December. Every member of my family (all Christian, all conservative - except my sister who lives in SF - all completely delusional - and I say that with all the love in the world - when it comes to this administration, and the absolute fact that the US has been involved in global empire building for over 30 years. It is not manifested by the military (that uncivilized response would have to be a last resort) but by very clever manipulations of economies, less developed countries with a plethora of natural resources, and a small group of very powerful people. It's not a conspiracy, per se, but it is a twisted approach to global supremecy that has made us hated all over the world. The sad thing is, it is an absolute certainty that the oppressed always rise up to overthrown the oppressors. That day will come. The preponderance of citizens in this country will have no idea why it is happening, but those that perpetuated it will be, I think, completely immune to any kind of fallout. They have too much power and money. It will be the average American citizen that will suffer the consequences. But the book is absolutely fascinating - being a kindred spirit with John, he was a peace corp volunteer and a person who would prefer to visit the real city of any country and not the "Americanized " version, I feel his conflict and understand how he could have been pulled into this life. To be honest, though, not out of any strength of character or superiority in any way, more like no real concept of money, power or drive for either but a very strong sense of rebellion against the conventional, I couldn't have justified my actions had I been in his shoes. He wrote the book, which, is an incredibly brave thing considering the absolutely shocking world and webs of greed it exposes. Seriously. I knew that something about the corporate world, Wall Street, government made my skin crawl, but I had no idea why. I remeber going to Wall Street and seeing the trading floor of the stock market. I have to admit, there were some classmates absolutely transfixed by the frantic pace, the yelling, the seemingly unrecognizable language of gestures and words that these guys were exchanging. I remember looking down and trying to spot the cutest trader. And then just feeling an overwhelming headache coming on. Sigh. I love excitement and adventure and risk. But raquet ball courts are horribly loud and echoey and make me feel nauseated. The same with the trading floor. Echoey. Disorienting. Put me in the middle of a vast wood on the side of a mountain, and I am stoked. Plop me down in the center of the business district and I experience horrible vertigo. There are some people cut out for this life. They love the complexity. The competition. And to be entirely honest, I have no problem with them. Kind of like the people who why about the universe or the evolution of any species. There are people who are cut out to investigate and thrive on the mysteries of our existence. I have no bone to pick with them. I just have no interest. I find their discoveries fascinating. But the thought of pouring over data and information about those subjects, I find it all mind numbing. It's kind of like Bible study. I know a lot of people who have read the Bible and can quote a thousand verses from all sixty six books. This however does not interest me. I do not have to read about my husband to have a relationship with him - especially if he is alive. Which I believe God and Jesus are. They are alive and guiding me all the time. I have a personal relationship with them. No we don't hang out drinking coffee and they don't give me directions when I am lost and as of yet, they have been abysmally bad at lotto numbers. What lives is the absolute...stay with me here....the absolute knowledge that falling backward in faith I am calm and secure in my belief that I will be caught. Does that make sense? When I am lost - say, driving in San Francisco after dropping my sister at work - the calm that is with me as I drive down a 90 degree angle street is not me - it is not in my nature to be comfortable in the unknown. The calm is knowing that God is with me. I fall off the path all the time. What's cool is I am not "struck down by God!" (echo echo), I do not have a heavenly father that blasts me with punishment for mistakes I make. He might shake his head in disbelief that I am making that mistake yet again, but he knows that I have absolute faith in the teachings of Christ. Teachings that said love - worship one love all. And I fall and hate people and swear at them and wish them really ill, but God knows that my human frustration does not erase my true character which is desperately trying on a daily basis to love my freakin' neighbor.
That's it for now, from the beautiful city of absolute cool - SF.