Lessons in Parenthood

Recently I have been conversing fairly regularly with a wonderful woman, ultra conservative, but a great person, nonetheless. We have quite a bit in common, two teenage boys, our youngest in the same grade at the same school, with pretty similar personalities. Our older boys are pretty similar too. Anyway, we have reached a place of familiarity and comfort in our relationship where we can speak pretty openly with each other. She questioned why I allowed my son to go out on a date with his girlfriend, alone at a movie theatre. Did I know what was going on in the dark at these theatres? She also asked why I allowed my son to be friends with certain kids that had less than stellar reputations. And did I have "parental controls" on my home computer? The kind that document activity, etc. Hmm. After a while, as a parent, and I think just about anyone else for that matter, with enough effort, can have his/her convictions shaken . You begin to wonder if you are doing the right thing, being blind, manipulated, not as good a parent as you think you are. So after several weeks of this type of conversation and my responding that - I let him go on a date because he respect girls, knows that she sets the pace and I trust him. I let him pick his own friends because, again, I trust him, and maybe he will be the person that helps to change their lives.

Anyway, I ended up talking to my husband and getting a parental program that documents IMs, emails, websites visited, etc. Why? I don't normally cater to fear. I use my common sense and intuition, and I am educated. Horror, disaster, murder and mayhem do not lurk behind every corner and door. I am not fearful in impoverished neighborhoods, I am not frightened by homeless people or gangs of boys. I will not fall victim to the idea of stereotypical behavior. With all that said, I am a mother. I have two amazing, healthy, incredible boys that I have devoted this portion of my life to raising, and the thought of something coming through the web and infecting my children, well, I just needed to keep my eyes open. Would I read my son's journal - no. Would I snoop through my son's dresser or bedside table looking for incriminating materials - no. But no pariah is on the hunt in those areas.

One evening, my younger son was home while I took my other son to a meeting. When I returned, I walked into the room, and he immediately minimized the screen and looked at me expectantly. I said hi, and then walked out. Suspicious, after everyone was in bed, I went to my parental spy program, logged in, and saw that there were fifteen IMs - meaning conversations with fifteen other people. AHA! I scrolled through - drugs? Sex parties? Plastic bracelets that signify different sexual acts? Fights? No. No. No. No. Innocuos conversation about field trips, weekend plans, interpersonal relationships at school. And then I came to the last one. He was conversing with a girl - not his girlfriend. What was it about? Are you ready for a demonstration of a seventh grade boy's intimate, personal interaction with a girl in his class? Are you sure? Positive?

She thought she might be anorexic and he was counseling her.

Thirteen years old. Male. Telling her that she was not fat, that she was beautiful, and he would lend her money at lunch if she needed it. She didn't, so he told her to eat a little bit more every day at lunch and that he would be there for her if she needed him. Punk.

Peer pressure doesn't end in high school. It never ends. Sadly, it was me, not my thirteen year old son that fell victim to it. It is one thing to be vigilant and engaged with your kids. It's another thing all together to disregard what you know to be true about something, anything, simply because someone else thinks you should.

I have great kids. I haven't touched the spyware since.