Movement

I have come across several items of interest that I thought it would be good to share. While driving to my son's apartment for a day of day-drinking, playing with other people's dogs and deep discussions, I happened upon a podcast. #wecandohardthings. I chose an episode and settled in to inevitable cluster of Houston traffic. Much of what was said impacted me but there were two specific parts that performed the monumental feat of structural shift. First, there was a factoid regarding the number of women that have choked in a restaurant and died. It was some ridiculously high number. But one that I absolutely could believe. Because, as stated by Glennon, women have been trained to soothe not disrupt, to strive for the coveted matrydom that is womanhood and motherhood. The selfless giver. The supporter and bringer of oranges and cupcakes and tissues from her handbag because she's always so damned prepared to care for others. I believe that number because I can vividly see even the most humble, no fuss man will grasp at his throat and indicate the need for assistance while a woman realizing what is happening will place a napkin over her mouth, nod assuringly as she slides away from the table, shaking her head and gesturing to others to nevermind me, I'm fine, right back so that I can go into the bathroom and expire without disrupting the atmosphere or causing others to not have a good time. And second, as a mom asks kids at a party who's hungry the boys all speak up enthusiastically calling for what they want while the girls look to each other,and with that feminine gift appoint a spokesperson and allow her to reflect the singleminded response of the girls in the room. We're fine, thank you, Mrs. Johnson. God. What a ridiculous why are these scales even on my eyes revelation? All this time? It is so difficult but so fucking important to be able to shift your perspective based on newly found information. As simplistic and obvious as that information might be, the message entering the universe from secrecy of one's soul to flitter and fly lighting ever so gently on the consciousness of one or a million individuals affects each differently. Rubbish one might scoff and switch over to something more appealing. Airy fairy out there as my mom would say which always reminds of shops that smell of incense and have crystals and windchimes and flowy garments that skirt the edges of potions and spells. But as a woman who trends towards caregiving and outspokenness, I have always been a contradiction. There is nothing and everything linear about me. I am a straight shooter. I am brutally honest according to my sister. I am direct. I am a troublemaker. I am the go to for structure and organization. I am the one that others seek for advice. I will, without a thought, run myself into the ground to assist someone else. My husband is comfounded by my inability to see his reasoning when it comes to charitable giving or outreach. When my stepdad passed away, I spiraled without a focus for my caregiving to ground me. Everything about my upbringing was to put myself last. To my own detriment. It has been an incredibly difficult journey since being diagnosed with 4 autoimmune disorders to adapt to the person I am now. The person that cannot do half, frankly a quarter, of what I used to be able to do. My energy level is so low with symptoms like the waves that surfers must be rescued from by jetski. Untimed, random, unscheduled. So much of who I am has been fundamentally changed and coming to terms with that has been fight. For I am a stubborn, obstinate, impatient soul. I will persevere. Through depression. Through suicidal thoughts. Through debilitating uncontrollable symptoms. There is no shame in concession. Failure is to be embraced. For at least I did not lay down and stay down. I got up. I got up and continued. And I realized that a new normal cannot be raged against. I can control symptoms to an extent and research how to be the best strongest me I can be. Today. But let me say this. Life is a slog. It is a constant uphill climb on loose rocks and unstable terrain. And as you adapt and make the most of what is under your feet, the elements sweep in to let you know that it's not just the earth but the rain and the wind and storms and scorching sun and pitch darkness of night that will be a challenge to your journey. Acclimating through wounds and scars and thirst and hunger and exhaustion, continuing the climb takes a rock star. Then add the burdens of womanhood, of race, of gender, of physical/mental/emotional/cognitive impairment and I just wonder how the hell do we get through this? How do we manage to put one foot in front of the other and not all become narcissists? To just motor past that person fallen on the wayside, hungry, broken, beaten? How do we manage to find it within ourselves to stop and assist? That's a miracle. I see these posts about restored faith in humanity with snippets of people doing good things. Saving a dog in a flood. Stopping traffic to assist a person across the street. Reacting to a person being assaulted without any fear of reprisal. I see these and think, are these anomalies? Really? How is that the remarkable and not the opposite? I try my hardest to try and understand how someone can ignore suffering. I see that most if not all of us are carrying burdens, on that slippery incline, in the driving rain and darkness fully immersed in placing that one foot in front of the other. And I can also see how so many of us have thought to extend our hand to a fallen traveler only to be pulled down, fleeced and damaged by the actions of the recipient. Perhaps more than once. Or that the damage was not only done to the individual but to those to whom that person was connected. I can see how one might armor up and tunnel vision their way through this life. I also heard on #thisamericanlife an episode about grief where an individual stated the reason he believes we are here. As his own personal perspective. To get each other through. That struck me. Because that always works doesn’t it? If we were to dig back through the archives of history and society that’s what we would find. Individuals seeking each other in the vastness. For as assorted reasons as there are perspectives. Comfort. Warmth. Collaboration. Cooperation. Coordination. Coupling. Shelter. To share the gifts of the individuals to the betterment of the collective. I used to believe that nirvana was achievable. That people could come together. But we are wired for conflict. We have opinions and thoughts and standards and morals and codes. And tied into all that is the frame of reference that each individual brings to the table that is so uniquely special that it is the uncharted territory of our time. Right? Finally? Sure we have explored the land and the seas and space. But the final frontier is the mind. The truly great beyond. Because unlike a mountain or an ocean or a planet, there are billions of new and rich and vibrant and weird ways of being that have yet to be explored. As complex and as simple as I am, I have a whole host of tangles yet to sort. Within myself. As I delve into the why of who I am I find new expansive landscapes yet uncharted, familiar but unknown. So if I am still unknown to myself how can I possibly be outwardly in judgment of another? And so we move to Ted. #tedlasso. Ted Lasso, the series on Apple TV, is the About Time (2013) series I knew we needed. It brings me such incredible joy, to the depths of my soul that I simply cannot believe I lived without this in my life. Like Aretha. Or vegan comfort food (#kornyvibes and #veegos). Or ocean kayaking. Or a hug. Miracles each. Ted Lasso is just a great show. It is love and kindness and purity and humanity. Ted embodies the person I want to be. Humble. Empathetic. Thoughtful. Quiet. Strong. Forgiving. Aware. There is not a shred of arrogance. Not a smidgeon of ego. Funny and deep yet light. I have recommended it to everyone I know. I guess because we all need to know that there is hope on this spinning crazy slippery rock for us all if we just try to be a little bit more like Ted. There it is. There are actually more but that’s enough for today. Our default is to judge but let’s try to do better next week. Let’s try compassion. Let’s try to remember that other people are going through things we cannot even imagine and are white knuckling their way through the day. Offer a hand or a smile or a kind word. Or at the very least, don’t make it worse. Tread lightly.