I Know What Boys Want......

There has been a movement for the past few years, maybe, what? Eight or nine years? I don't know, but it seemed to hit its stride, as it was moving at a pretty good pace before, but it came into its own when we had the rash of school shootings, culminating with Columbine. It seemed that everything went just a little bit haywire upon the realization that all of these shootings had one thing in common. Boys. And only boys. Boys were losing it. So what happens? Do we delve into what is making boys so unhappy, frustrated, angry, and inevitably out of control? Do we follow "average" (whatever that is) boys through a year of life or over a period of years to see what is going on? Heck no. Our fab society, especially the schools decide, you know what? Boys just can't be boys anymore. I was actually told this. By a principal. A male principal. Is that the saddest thing you have ever heard? My son's fourth grade class was almost 3/4 boys. The wise teacher decided, as she was having a difficult time with control, that she would tell the class that she was going to choose five kids from her class who she deemed to be the type of students that exemplified model behavior. Shockingly enough four out of the five were....girls! And the fifth was a boy that had a very strong feminine side (not a bad thing, that's just the way he was). My point is, we are working against the natural chemical and physical makeup of the prepubescent male. Boys are physical. They don't sit quietly perfecting their handwriting. They don't decimate their friends and enemies with pointed words. They don't cut other kids down with acid looks. Boys allocate friendship out to other boys that have the same interests. Or laugh at their jokes. Or who they think are "cool". Involved conversation about feelings and relationships are absolutely foreign to boys. That does not interest them, even in the slightest. So, when they get in trouble - A) they cannot express themselves effectively because they are not practiced in this artform, and B) they do not trust adults in key postions of authority - especially in school. Why? They are absolutely surrounded by women all day long. I remember when my oldest was six. He wanted to be a teacher because he thought they needed more guy teachers. The average teacher relates better to the girls because, no surprise here, they are girls. Unless that teacher has boys, she is far less likely to understand and therefore tolerate boy behavior. It is disruptive. It is annoying. It is repetitive. It could cause injury. So, what is the standard elementary school punishment for boys? No recess! Now doesn't that make sense? Active boys, unable to contain their energy as they are wired to be physical and active, get punished by taking their activity away. Clever. Boys, especially sensitive boys, do not deal with this sort of thing well. They do not learn to control they "physical-ness" - that's like controlling blinking or breathing - you might be able to do it, but only after you have gained a certain level of maturity. Boys get resentful. They are sitting, usually forced to watch as others play, and they get angry. The attitude is zero tolerance. But really I see it, especially on the elementary school level, as breaking the will. They will break these boys. They can't hit them but they can humiliate them. They take away what they love. They can remove what makes them happy. And what is the end result? A bunch of resentful, angry boys moving into less controlled arenas known as middle and high school. This approach is not helping boys to gain control over themselves. It is making time bombs. These boys often get punished at school and then at home. Most boys endure physical punishment long after girls do. They resent girls because they consistently see that girls get preferential treatment. I am actually very happy with the way we have managed to lift up girls so that they realize that they can accomplish anything. But I don't believe that it is neccesary to beat boys down to raise girls up. I am fortunate in that I have been able to be home with my sons. They are kind, caring, empathetic, smart, athletic kids. Not once but several times I have had to come to their defense and beat back teachers and principals who believe they have a right to take shots at my guys' characters. I can't understand not appreciating the essence of boys. They are so physical. They love fun. They love a good laugh. You know what they're thinking (the young ones anyway) just by looking at their face. Their expressions of kindness and love are almost always genuine because they don't understand manipulation. They are action oriented and are up for an adventure. Don't underestimate them or think that the outward expressions of fun and adventure are all that are to them. Boys are incredibly sensitive. They have incredible potential for kindness and generosity. I think that if the public school systems allied these boys, brought them in and befriended them, made them feel part of the group instead of an outsider that would never be quite right, they would be doing the best thing for them. If we adapted lessons to appeal to what boys enjoy doing - the physical or the technical, boys would learn faster and gain more confidence in their ability. The vast majority of boys do not learn well, heck, they don't do well at all, just sitting and learning. It's boring. That's like expecting a lion to sing and fly like a bird. It works against their nature. Let's take the target off the backs of boys. Balance can be achieved and society will benefit from giving both boys and girls what they need to be successful members of society.