Ably Raising Cain
Last night my husband and I were decompressing on the couches, too tired to move, to get dinner or blink. He had worked a very stressful day and then worked out really hard. I had done a step with weights program in the morning, done my endless list of "cleaning up" which means moving things back to where they are supposed to go (so they can be moved back and the riotously fun game can begin all over again) , working a fundraiser at school, dealing with the boys (back to that later) and then doing a spin class at the gym. I managed to (shockingly) overdo it and now my knee is the size of a grapefruit. The knee I had surgery on in April 05. The last of six surgeries. Like I said before, my older brother got first choice, then my sister. So I ended up with the reject knees.
Anyhow, we were laying on the couches, me with ice, him with the dogs strewn across him (they dig him). We were flipping through the stations at about 9:15, and came across PBS’s Raising Cain. It’s a two hour documentary that I believe every person that comes in contact with boys should watch. I only watched 45 minutes of it and I cannot express the effect it had on me. All the things I believe about boys through what I have learned from my own, was confirmed by the documentary. From the way they express emotion, their need for strong yet sensitive male role models, to the fact that they have a different way of learning that needs to be addressed in the schools, this documentary confirmed that boys are in terrible trouble right now. The most profound, yet so common sensical remark was regarding emotion. Boys have an emotional life just like girls. However, girls don’t have the social filters that boys have. Boys, especially adolescent boys, put on sullen masks to hide their emotions, simply because crying or shame is the kiss of death socially. Masculinity portrayed for boys in our society is predominantly physical aggression. Think about that. And know that it’s true. If on top of that, a boy has a physically aggressive home life or role models then it is almost guaranteed that he will be a physically aggressive person. The points made in this film are monumental. The approaches are not only do-able but I have used them. It is so easy to use anger and frustration in dealing with boys. Especially as their verbal communications whither. Most parents believe that it is only their child that has shut down, the once communicative kid is reduced to one word responses and “I don’t knows”, which can lead to extreme baldness from tearing one’s hair out. That is when you don’t throw up your hands in frustration and walk away because your physical reactions have the most impact on boys. Boys have a very difficult time articulating their feelings. I wonder if you have ever approached a group of boys and overheard them discussing how their feeling got hurt or that they are sad or how they love their girlfriend. Not likely. Boys are taught over and over through direct and indirect teaching that the way they are, the way that God wired them, especially in school, is somehow wrong, in some way, deviant. People are afraid of boys, especially physically aggressive boys. But it is the physically aggressive boys that not only are the most internally injured, but also are most in need of help.
I have entered a new phase with my younger son. My eldest son, Josh, is totally focused on school, not real social, semi-athletic, funny and very compliant. Cody is totally focused on socializing with academics as an annoying sideline, athletic, competitive, funn, knew the word “contradiction” at age three, and could use it in a sentence. Many times it is an exhausting, emotionally draining experience dealing with Cody. Everything is a negotiation, a battle or an altercation. I could very easily throw my hands up or find them around his throat. But I know Cody. I know him better than he does.

On Tuesday around 2:40 I got a call from Cody. He is in the nurse’s office.

Hey.
Hey.
I have a stomachache.
Are you ok?
Yeah.
I’ll come pick you up.
No, that’s ok.
No Code, I’ll pick you up.
You don’t have to.
I’m on my way.
I had a bad day.
How long has your stomach hurt?
All day.
All day! Why didn’t you call?
I don’t know.
Oh dear. Ok.
My teachers got mad at me. I had my head on my desk and they said I was off task.
What?! That’s ridiculous!
And someone called my cell in the middle of school.
What?! Who?
I don’t know unknown name, unknown number.
Huh.
Yeah. So they took my phone. It’s in the assistant principal’s office.
Ok. Don't worry, we'll sort that out. I'll be there in 5 minutes.

Do you want a translation of this exchange? Oh sure you do!

Cody has a set of rules. One is to focus at school, stay in your seat and do your work.

Cody was out of his seat and talking during most of the day in his classes. In his planner, not only did his 1st & 2nd period teacher write that he was out of his seat and talking but that he got a 30 and a 49 on two graded pieces of work (literally). At the beginning of the day, he got two negative items written in his agenda which would cause certain consequences when he came home (no phone, no IM, etc.). So, in his mind, his day was shot. So what does he do? He makes a call in the middle of class to his girlfriend. First time? Noooooo. I have checked and he has done it several times since August. Kids can have a cell phone but it has to be off during school. Three strikes. To think that boys don’t stress, don’t get emotional is the most ridiculous thing an adult can think. What kind of sense would that make? You are buying something that they are desperately trying to sell. Image. Boys want to be men. They want to be tough. They want to be stoic. They want to be strong. Like all the images they see around them, that they gravitate towards. The only salvation is the real men they have in their lives. If they have a male role model, dad, stepdad, grandpa, uncle, teacher, who is strong yet compassionate, funny yet kind, stoic but nurturing they have a much better chance of making it through with their emotional selves in tact. Thus the stomachache. Internalized stress and grief. Cody knows what’s right and wrong but when he started out the day with negatives it affected his whole day.
Now, what was the response? Lock down. Not smack down. Lock down. Cody cannot balance his social and academic life. I had to go into parental mode. I am a very liberal, open and accommodating mom, if I do say so myself. The number one job of my boys is their schoolwork. That’s what they get an allowance for. Just like their stepdad who gets paid for the work he does. Household chores are part of being a family. Academics are number one. Cody’s academics have not been stellar here lately. I have been exorbitantly lenient with him, hoping with gentle nudges and guidance he would sort it out. He has not. Sometimes we are so overwhelmed by our lives, by what we have gotten ourselves into, that we need someone to take over if only for a moment or maybe even just to hand over to sort out. It’s what makes us so very human, our need for each other. But Cody is going through a time when he is trying to show independence with strength and attitude. Regardless, I have taken over. He is grounded through the end of this month and until the next report card, he has very specific guidelines. There are no gray areas for the next month or so. Being black and white is so not me. But right now, it’s what he needs and that is what makes me a strong parent. I adore my son, but I will not let him fall through the cracks. I will not give up on him. He has used my desire to have a close relationship with him, his impending decline in popularity because of my restrictions; he has used every possible weapon in his arsenal to change the rules. But I will not bend. Not now. It is too important. If I were to give in now, he will understand through my own example that a) he can get away with deviant behavior through manipulation b) academics aren’t that important c) it’s ok to lie.
I will not make my sons men by abusing them. By yelling at them. By humiliation, degradation, or other such “toughening them up” approaches. All that is accomplished through these means are humiliated, abused and degraded boys. Being a man doesn’t mean that you can be yelled at or that you can yell. This seems so simple to me, yet, I have been fighting it all my boys’ lives. Especially in the arena of sports and coaches/trainers. I will not allow a leader of a team to yell or shame my child. I will not tolerate it. They are 13 and 14, and this has been attempted since they were as young as 6. Male coaches refer back within their own frame of reference and remember, not peewee or little league or youth sports, but high school. High school coaches. And notoriously, high school coaches yell and belittle. Not all males, but quite a few. This is what they remember. They remember it as being tough but successful, so they emulate that behavior. However, when you have young, active, competitive boys being screamed at and embarrassed, it defeats them. The huge majority give up. A minute fraction take that feeling and turn it into a positive, but almost every boy I have ever met, has been crushed by a coach that he felt didn’t believe in him because he wasn’t good enough. It is confirmation of their worst nightmare. They are not good enough. They are not man enough. As their feelings get more bruised, the more bravado is demonstrated. They puff up for protection and like most animals, think of a dog and his hackles or an elephant’s ears moving forward, try to look bigger in order to fend off attacks. Inside, they are injured. They are devastated. Over and over it plays in their head that they failed. Boys hold onto these injuries and without expressing of these wounds – the infection is allowed to fester. Identifying their feelings is so difficult. It’s a jumble of twine. They do not have the ability to sit and patiently undo this wad of knots that is their emotions. It helps to sit down as the adult in their lives and say are you frustrated, confused, sad, lonely, whatever. Because they are desperate for someone to sit down, grab a piece of this huge ball of string and start untangling. Given a feeling – like frustration – they can take that and apply it to themselves.
Frustrated? Kinda. I’m trying as hard as I can, but I don’t know what the coach wants from me. I try to focus in class and I thought I did all my work, but my teacher gave me a zero.
They shudder at the thought of having to go to a teacher or coach and find out what the problem is. Confrontation very easily could lead to a situation of heightened emotions. Imagine yourself on the edge of a cliff, waves crashing on jagged rocks below, and you can see as you peek over the side, sharks circling, gnashing their teeth. Now imagine flinging yourself off the ledge on purpose, no less, knowing what awaits you. That is confrontation to boys. Not only the impact of finding out what is wrong with you and why the teacher/coach has given up on you, but should you become injured and start bleeding emotionally, all those guys you call your friends are waiting for the feeding frenzy. It is mortifying. Now, add to that the climate in the schools of boys being disruptors, deviants, aggressors, hindering others whom are trying to learn, and you can get a semblance of the daily lives of these children. It doesn’t matter if he’s a 45lb sixth grader or a 200lb eighth grader, inside he is a boy. Inside he has the same feelings of inadequacy that we all have, except they are heightened, more intense. Reaching out, allowing our hand to be slapped and continuing to reach out is all we as adults have to do. Smiling at them. Praising them. Focusing on the good things they do. Adjusting for them and their particular needs. And setting guidelines and parameters that tell them they are loved and heralded. Boys want to be the hero. They want to be admired. And they are desperate for positive attention. There is a real boy crisis in this country, but with attention and adjustment, we could see an entire generation of boys that become physically, mentally and emotionally strong and well-adjusted.
Find out the next time Raising Cain is on your PBS station. Watch it, I beg of you. If you can, order it for your school. Give it to a parent with boys – young or old. If you have a baby shower for a boy, give it as a gift. Actually, give it to any parent – with boys or girls – because at some point they will have to deal with boys. I believe that the recent empowerment of girls with “take your daughter to work days”, father/daughter dances, and the continuous confirmation that girls can do anything has been hugely beneficial to girls. But boys have fallen by the wayside. They think there’s something wrong with who they are. There isn’t. Boys have to be acknowledged for the great people that they are. Because, honestly, boys are so awesome. They are fun and physical and just full of spontaneity and spirit. That spirit does not have to be broken in order to have them fit into our society. We can raise up girls and boys, at the same time. Right now, boys are struggling. Desperately. We need to help them.
links:
http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisingboys/
http://www.pbs.org/opb/raisingcain/index.html