Friendship’s End
I have just experienced an emotional meat grinder.
Not pleasant.
Not at all.
Having someone whom you have known for twenty years, had hoped to reconnect with, turn around and take you down for things that happened ten to fifteen years ago is brutal. I realize that there are some people that have expectations when it comes to friendships. Expectations that are not shared.

I have found that my eldest has this trait. It is harmful not only to others but to him as well. He is chronically disappointed in people. He has this intangible checklist that he applies to his friends, furrowing his brow and shaking his head as he applies an X to the offended expectation. Recently, a friend made plans with him and when he was on his way over to this friend’s house, he saw the friend with other friends on their bikes going the opposite direction. He called out to Josh and said “come on, we’re going to get something to eat.” Josh declined.
X – changing plans without notification.
His feelings were hurt, so of course he got angry. They had plans, he said hotly, he blew me off.
Hmm.
Well, his friend is not really a leader, more of a follower. He was hungry and he invited Josh along.
The one good thing about Josh in this situation is he is open to other perspectives. He realized that he had missed an opportunity to meet more friends, and did head out to meet up with them.
It causes so much hurt and anxiety carrying around all these feelings of disappointment and rejection. I would think that it causes a deepening of that pain when the other person seems so nonchalant, almost mocking in her disregard for the damage she has caused in her wake. The saddest part of all is that it isn’t a lack of care, it is a complete obliviousness. That other person has no idea that, perhaps, irreparable harm is being wrought on the friendship and on the other person.
It’s all so tragic.
No amount of explanation, no amount of true remorse can possibly undo a pain that has existed for such a long period of time. I always believed that we had a bond. I always believed that no matter what she did, no matter where she was, she would know that I loved her. All this time, I guess delusionally, I believed that feeling would prevail. Now I find that she was left with a gaping wound upon my departure. A huge void that I caused in her life. It’s not a good feeling to know that you have hurt people. Especially people that you have loved for a long time. Especially when you thought they remained confident, even during times of absence.
It’s even harder having someone judge your present life on not only plans they expected you to fulfill being the person that you are, but on your past behavior. I would like to think that I am a significantly different person than I was ten, fifteen or twenty years ago. How could anyone be the same when experiencing life fully? I felt so judged. I felt that all the strides I have made in self- acuity vanished like so much water vapor. My friend kept reinforcing her position with other people’s commentary about my behavior, actions, etc. constantly interjecting from the point of view of my ex-husband. I had been her idol, she said, and that’s when I realized how similar she is to my ex-husband. They both put me up on a pedestal, involuntarily, and when I inevitably plummeted from this high perch of expectation, they were both there with their imaginary clipboards making X’s. I am just a person. Just a flawed, bumbling around in the dark, human being. Anything above that is pure imagination.
I have come to find that the close friends I have now do not need my constant attention. They do not need me to continuously reinforce our friendship because they know they have it. I can count four close girlfriends that I could call and they would be at my door within the hour. I do not feel the weight of their needs on my back. I don’t feel the staggering weight of guilt when I don’t perform up to expectation. Each loves me as I am, and in turn, I love them for who they are. That’s the weirdest thing of all. I loved my friend throughout. It never changed. When everyone, and I mean everyone, told me to turn and run, it never changed. I have not been too concerned by what other people think since the first years of high school. My relationships with individuals is just that. Mine. I don’t care how others perceive it, it’s not theirs. The odd thing is that one of my ex’s best friend’s wives upon meeting this friend took me aside. She said “look at me, be careful of that one. She says she’s your best friend but she doesn’t have one good thing to say about you.” I offered excuses and she again said, "I don't know her, but she's not on your side." This from one of the sweetest people I have ever met. I dismissed it, as I dismissed all the advice about my friendship with her. She was my friend, and I know no one understood the things she did, but I did and that was enough.
But that wasn’t enough.
Unfortunately, I think we have reached the end of a long, painful trip.

I have countless memories of her and I that will always bring a smile to my face.
But, sadly, I think that’s it.
The X's are too dark and heavy in her heart.
The memories will have to suffice.

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