It's difficult, you know, when you associate so much with music. I listen to Pandora Radio at work as it allows me to select the music I prefer and from that it offers a sampling of "like" genre music. I have several stations - some for when no one else will be in the office and I can move around a bit, others for when I need to block out extraneous noise, etc. Anyway, I was sitting here, minding my own business trying to get the Municipal Utility District Data to present properly when Macy Gray "I Try" came on. Much like the ballad "I'll Always Love You" (sadly, the version by Dolly not Whitney) always brings back memory of my dad, "I try" always brings me to Paul, my brother. The words "try to say goodbye and I choke, try to walk away and I stumble" is so gut wrenching as not only was the song indicative of an innate sadness but it also was telling physically. ALS affects the ability to talk, to walk, to move. He was beginning to slur and his footing wasn't the best.
Sigh.
I miss my bro.
Not all the time, most of the time I have him on my shoulder listening to my constant inquiries and requests for aid. It's a strong, close, positive relationship, where he's always with me. But when I hear a song, see a movie or CSPAN (inside joke), or see a family member do something that was "so Paul", that pang of pain at the physical deprivation hits. It's not debilitating or crushing, just a sharp jab reminding me that he is no longer physically here.
It's like Coldplay's "Miss You"...I always think of my boys. They are still at home but one is a senior so we are on the cusp. As it plays, I get the video in my head of his first steps, falling asleep in his high chair, climbing like a little monkey to the top of any structure, his devastation and full run to me when rejected by his peers when just a little tiny guy, too much to recount but a beautiful and heart gripping reel of surreal, wonderful memories.
I have been so blessed to have those two boys in my life.
So many people don't ever realize their dreams.
I did.
I am a mother to two boys.
Simple but true.
I have others but that was the one I had since I was little.
And I got it.
I look at them now and swoon. Literally. Swoon at the journey. What an amazing trek we have had! And continue to have. So many obstacles, so many hindrances, so many ups and downs, hard times, good times. I can't believe that I managed to do it. I am proud that I planned how I would raise my kids and I did it. Sure there were adjustments - like the chocolate cake for breakfast - but for the most part I remembered what I wanted to do as a mom and I did it. I learned a lot from the examples of others, which I think is crucial in our on the job training parenting society.

There is much music that acts as my magic carpet to the past. Regardless of what happens, I have been blessed.