I went to the school to apply artwork to the football players lockers this morning. We do this every week before the games. Just a little “go crush’em!” football spirit passed on to our adorable little 8th graders. Actually, this week is “cripple the cougars” with a cougar in a leg and arm cast...precious.
I left there to go to the vitamin store. The only one that carries the joint reliever that’s vegan. I became acutely aware of my need for this product at the first soccer game Sunday. I’m tooling along Lexington Blvd., trying to find something worthwhile on the radio and I get tagged by two female police women poised for striking in the median.
Isn’t that illegal?
Loitering in the median?
I think it is.
Anyway, busted!
49 in a 40.
That’s right. 9 miles per hour over the legal limit.
Book’em dano.
I don’t even bother coming up with an excuse. 15 mph over the limit…probably…but not even double digits? Not worth the effort.
She sidles up to the car.
Do you know why I’m pulling you over today?
Quotas?
No ma’am..
Did you just call me man?
No. Ma’am. I got you going 49 in a 40.
Pregnant pause.
Am I supposed to say something?
Are you in a hurry?
Not particularly.
Then why were you speeding?
Boy if that isn’t the question of the ages!
Because I was pressing down too hard on the accelerator?
I need you drivers license and insurance (quick check in my back seat…for illegal immigrants or kilos of coke, I don’t know). She seemed bitterly disappointed that soccer balls, chairs and Vegan literature was all that was scattered across the back.
She gets into her car with the other officer eyeing me suspiciously.
She comes back to my car.
Did you know that your license isn’t coming back clean?
What did you do to it?
What?
Why is it dirty?
I mean, I ran your license and it is flagged for revocation.
Is this police humor?
No. It is flagged for revocation.
Why would it be flagged for revocation.
That’s what I was asking you.
I didn’t flag it. Why would you?
What?
Why would you and your department have cause for flagging a license for revocation?
DUI. Outstanding warrants. Felonies.
Huh.
Any of those apply?
To me?
Yes.
Not that I’m aware of.
How much do you weigh?
What?
How much do you weigh?
That’s a weird question.
I don’t ask for my personal knowledge, it’s on the form.
145.
How tall are you?
5’10”.
Ok. Sign here…it is not an admission of guilt…blah blah blah.
So I peel out of there – oh I am so kidding! I move like freakin’ molasses out into the splattering of traffic that one finds on this road at 10 a.m. – mostly moms. And all I’m thinking is – oh my God! What is going on! Revocation?!? What the heck!
I get my joint lube and come back. Sure enough they’ve tagged some other unsuspecting suburb mom in her SUV.
Sucka!
I get the number for the Texas DPS.
I call.
Pick the option and get told that due to the high volume traffic they can’t take my call.
Goodbye.
Huh?
I do this, count it – 27 times.
27 times I call this number and get told that they cannot take my call.
I finally get through and I get put on the Spanish channel where everything is spoken in Spanish.
6 more tries.
Dial hangup redial.
Dial hangup redial.
I get through and get put on hold.
Sorry for the inconvenience, someone will be with you shortly.
This is said no less than forty five times.
Then the option comes up to leave a message and someone will call you back.
You think I’m hanging up?
Is that a joke?
DPS humor?
It took 33 tries to get to this level.
The holding for a customer service rep level.
Gamers are trying as we speak to attain this goal. Sitting in their basements with their playstations and controllers.
Good luck, baby, it’s all in the redial.
Finally a human asks me what I need.
I tell her.
The problem?
The reason that I am short listed for the revoking of my drivers license and deportation or at the very least rendition to Basra?
My social security number does not match the name on my drivers license.
I didn’t change it after getting married.
It has my freakin’ maiden name, Barrett, on it. My SS reads Penny Barrett, my TDL reads Penny Barrett Hornsby. You can see how perplexing this must have been, eh?
Thank GOD for our great national security system.
I am going to sleep SO much better tonight knowing that this sort of detail does not go unnoticed.
I left there to go to the vitamin store. The only one that carries the joint reliever that’s vegan. I became acutely aware of my need for this product at the first soccer game Sunday. I’m tooling along Lexington Blvd., trying to find something worthwhile on the radio and I get tagged by two female police women poised for striking in the median.
Isn’t that illegal?
Loitering in the median?
I think it is.
Anyway, busted!
49 in a 40.
That’s right. 9 miles per hour over the legal limit.
Book’em dano.
I don’t even bother coming up with an excuse. 15 mph over the limit…probably…but not even double digits? Not worth the effort.
She sidles up to the car.
Do you know why I’m pulling you over today?
Quotas?
No ma’am..
Did you just call me man?
No. Ma’am. I got you going 49 in a 40.
Pregnant pause.
Am I supposed to say something?
Are you in a hurry?
Not particularly.
Then why were you speeding?
Boy if that isn’t the question of the ages!
Because I was pressing down too hard on the accelerator?
I need you drivers license and insurance (quick check in my back seat…for illegal immigrants or kilos of coke, I don’t know). She seemed bitterly disappointed that soccer balls, chairs and Vegan literature was all that was scattered across the back.
She gets into her car with the other officer eyeing me suspiciously.
She comes back to my car.
Did you know that your license isn’t coming back clean?
What did you do to it?
What?
Why is it dirty?
I mean, I ran your license and it is flagged for revocation.
Is this police humor?
No. It is flagged for revocation.
Why would it be flagged for revocation.
That’s what I was asking you.
I didn’t flag it. Why would you?
What?
Why would you and your department have cause for flagging a license for revocation?
DUI. Outstanding warrants. Felonies.
Huh.
Any of those apply?
To me?
Yes.
Not that I’m aware of.
How much do you weigh?
What?
How much do you weigh?
That’s a weird question.
I don’t ask for my personal knowledge, it’s on the form.
145.
How tall are you?
5’10”.
Ok. Sign here…it is not an admission of guilt…blah blah blah.
So I peel out of there – oh I am so kidding! I move like freakin’ molasses out into the splattering of traffic that one finds on this road at 10 a.m. – mostly moms. And all I’m thinking is – oh my God! What is going on! Revocation?!? What the heck!
I get my joint lube and come back. Sure enough they’ve tagged some other unsuspecting suburb mom in her SUV.
Sucka!
I get the number for the Texas DPS.
I call.
Pick the option and get told that due to the high volume traffic they can’t take my call.
Goodbye.
Huh?
I do this, count it – 27 times.
27 times I call this number and get told that they cannot take my call.
I finally get through and I get put on the Spanish channel where everything is spoken in Spanish.
6 more tries.
Dial hangup redial.
Dial hangup redial.
I get through and get put on hold.
Sorry for the inconvenience, someone will be with you shortly.
This is said no less than forty five times.
Then the option comes up to leave a message and someone will call you back.
You think I’m hanging up?
Is that a joke?
DPS humor?
It took 33 tries to get to this level.
The holding for a customer service rep level.
Gamers are trying as we speak to attain this goal. Sitting in their basements with their playstations and controllers.
Good luck, baby, it’s all in the redial.
Finally a human asks me what I need.
I tell her.
The problem?
The reason that I am short listed for the revoking of my drivers license and deportation or at the very least rendition to Basra?
My social security number does not match the name on my drivers license.
I didn’t change it after getting married.
It has my freakin’ maiden name, Barrett, on it. My SS reads Penny Barrett, my TDL reads Penny Barrett Hornsby. You can see how perplexing this must have been, eh?
Thank GOD for our great national security system.
I am going to sleep SO much better tonight knowing that this sort of detail does not go unnoticed.
Comments