Friendship
It's funny how people come in and out of your life, in what might seem to be in a random almost chaotic fashion. In hindsight, however, I have come to realize that the best people, the ones that I actually want to make a real effort to keep close to, have popped into my frame of reference when I have been extremely unaware of my need for a friend.
I have a friend, a conservative mom of two boys, that I got to know at the beginning of the year with my son's involvement in football. Plastering little cutouts of football helmets with slogans like "crush the titans" "skin the cougars" (shudder- not my favorite) and "tame the mustangs", we talked and laughed and generally had a good time. We talked a lot on the phone, and not being a phone person that's a big deal for me. But I felt a continuous, uneasiness...no...discomfort maybe, with the fixation on image, reputation and address. And racism. Not glaring, but the kind I find almost worse than blatant nazism or white-power-ness, the kind of racism that is a constant, like a stream. Not mighty. Not noisy. A quiet buzzing that runs nonstop in the background. Who her son hangs out with was a major concern, how it looked, the importance of how one projects one's self. If I was to separate this stuff out from the rest of the person, kind of like what I used to do with egg whites and the yoke, if I could do that little separation, I think I would want to be around and talk to her much more often. But it's a sour milk kind of taste in my mouth that results and causes my limited involvement. Now it appears that my address might have just removed me from her invitation list as she seemed a little disconcerted when she found that I did not live in one of the approved areas - wherever that might be.
Then there is a great woman, I want to say girl because she looks and has the energy of a kid, who happened into my life at the PETA HA 101 conference. Out of all the people there, I spent most of my time with her and another girl (she actually is more of a girl being twenty-something). Like a sunrise, she emerged into my life - forwarding an email from the group because she noticed that my contact info was wrong. I knew she worked at the Humane Society, so I went by to visit her. The next thing you know I receive two books, a card and a bookmark for my birthday from her. The main book, Dominion, will be reviewed here as I have started reading the introduction (I've been busy!!), and it so up my alley it's a little frightening. My younger brother can't figure out what to get me for my birthday yet someone I have known barely a month hits it out of the park. Plus she gave me a vegan chocolate chip cookie that would make even the most hardened, militant vegans weep. And she found my next dog for me. To me, that places her in the upper echelon of friends. She let me know about Maya - the schnauzer/terrier mix who is about 4 months old and was found wandering the streets as a stray. Covered with fleas, infected with worms, scruffy and bone thin, she has absolutely stolen my heart. She is under vet care, and won't be able to come home with me for awhile but I visit every day.
I have a terrible history with female relationships. It makes me absolutely crazy when I watch shows like "Sex in the City" or other chick friendship fantasies. Fantasies because they simply don't exist. For me anyway. I have thankfully broken my reliance on television or movies dictating how my relationships should be - my husband couldn't be any more thankful. But it's difficult hearing women talk about friendships they have had for decades. I would love to have that but I just don't see it happening. Let's see.......there was Jan who was my very close friend who ended up stealing my camera collection (antique cameras, some of which my deceased father had given to me or had owned), there was Mary, a friend and roommate, who stole my furniture when I was at work, there was Jackie and Laura in my senior year in high school who decided that I was satan because I wouldn't go out with our dear friend (and who I had been friends with since 6th grade) Warren. They cut all ties to me. I found out much later that Warren was gay. So, that was a little pointless. Then there was Trish. Trish and I were best friends in my early twenties. She was not only my friend and confidante but I felt a bond of sisterhood with her. Unfortunately, she came to testify against me when my ex-delight tried to get custody of my kids. Turns out my ex had been calling her almost on a daily basis in California telling her that I was abusing the kids, having, who knows, sex and drug parties in their presence. Nutty, but sadly, I guess she bought it. Had she called me, perhaps I could have told her otherwise, but I was struggling in every sense of the word and did not have the funds to make long distance calls. Once there, she couldn't get on the stand, but she could fly all the way from California to Austin to do so, which spoke volumes to me. That was over ten years ago. Then this April, a day after my ACL surgery, so the meds were just fine thank you very much, she re-emerged. She called, told me that she, her husband and three kids had been in Mexico for three years, and were now back in the states. Jenna, her eldest, and my godkid, wanted to know who I was. It's funny how quickly I let people back into my life....when under the influence of strong pain medication. I have corresponded via email and we have called each other, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind renewing our friendship. Why? It's the sisterhood thing. Not like sista-hood, but kinship. She was like my little sister. I don't cut off family. The door is always open to them, I just invite them in so many times, and when they don't respond, I unlock the door and go about my business. If I suddenly hear a "helllllooooooo?" from the front entrance, the thrill and happiness is still there and I am overjoyed to see them. Mary? Jan? nope, deadbolted. Laura and Jackie? maybe...like a privacy chain, so I can peek through. But Trish? the door is open. And I see Lori being that way, too.
The thing is, I have very low expectations when it comes to friendships. I don't expect a call everyday, visits, cards, emails, gifts, or much of anything really...except an ability to pick up where we left off. I don't want a friend that will drop everything or expect that from me. I have a life, and my friends do, too. But if we can hang out occassionally, drop a funny email, have a quick chat on the phone then I am happy. I don't need a hollywood friendship, I just need a real one. I don't need a "national women's friendship day" because frankly I would probably forget the date and end up feeling guilty for not contacting my friends. But I do need to be thankful for my friends everyday, pray for their happiness and health everyday and consider myself fortunate in this life to have found even a couple of people who think as much of me as I do of them. That to me is so cool.